I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
