In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
