I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
