Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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