So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
