Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
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