He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
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