i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Randomize
