Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
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