why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
