I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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