i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
