Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
