Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Randomize
