I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
