I wish my penis had an off switch
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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