It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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