there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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