Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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