my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
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