I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
