First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
