I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
