if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
