there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
