if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Randomize
