Whod you bang
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
