Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
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