i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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