I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
