There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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