Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
