I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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