So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
