There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
