two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Randomize
