I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
