you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
