The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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