When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Randomize
