So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I want a musical about memes.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
