when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
