We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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