Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
