walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
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