but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
