I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
If I die, sorry about rent.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Randomize
