Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
