My liver just broke up with me...
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I just gift wrapped bread.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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