Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
